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This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are. 
Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.
Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?
"My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.
Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!
Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"
Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.
Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.
9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.
Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.
....... I was thinking ...... Considering the state of affairs in this country .... We should make politicians wear shock collars that go off each time they lie. Most would die of severe electrocution!
Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.
As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.
SON: There's a monster under my bed... ME: That's monsters' name is Mark, he lives there now... SON: Wha????... ME: times are tough, we need the cash... MARK: I'm trying to sleep
My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...
When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend to need something, and say, "Excuse me, do you work here?" just to keep things real.
I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.
Press 1 for English.....Who do I get? A Filipino speaking broken English....Sheesh! Hang up, try again. 