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Cute Things To Call Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend On Valentines Day: 1. Sugar. 2. Honey. 3. Flour. 4. Egg. 5. 1/2lb Butter. 6. Stir. 7. Pour Into Pan. 8. Preheat To 350 Degrees. 
I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.
Valentines: Pros and Cons for dating someone.... Con: I'm an a$$hole. Pro: I'm Your a$$hole.
Just saw two construction workers sitting together and laughing. I know what they're building: Friendship.
I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's stuck in the sink.
You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!
Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.
Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.
Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.
Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!
This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.
I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.
I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.
Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?
You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.
I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.
We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life. 