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Siri, how many calories does digging your own grave burn? 
Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven’t had a witch attack in over 200 years.
A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.
I don't understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I'm always ready for bed.
My husband told me to pick up some oil, now I know how guys feel in the tampon aisle.
Moms: I used to be cool and do cool things. Now I just argue with a smaller version of myself about how to use the toilet.
Ever accidently throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha. I did this with my life.
I can't wait to get to the part of my life where wearing suspenders with sweat pants is completely ok.
Google: You must be truly desperate to come to me for help.
Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.
List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....
I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used this phrase, "Thanks for coming"....
Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.
Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.
1944: 18-year-olds storm beaches, jump from planes, charge into almost certain death. 2016: 18-year-olds need a safe place. Because words do hurt.
I was like, "Whoa, taco-flavored yogurt"....
There has never been a saying more true in my life: You are not a third wheel! You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels.
I'm not saying kill all stupid people. I'm saying remove all warning labels from everything. The problem should sort itself out.
Women won't date a guy that still lives with his Mom, but will date a guy thats still lives with his wife = But that's none of my business. 