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Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself in public. 
Quick, someone take one for the team and fall in love with me. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall, "You peaked in high school."
Valentines Day: Condoms are also awesome picnic supplies.
A sign outside a Frat house: You honk we drink!!!
Loves the Alerts app on my phone, it says: "OVER BUDGET....This month you spent $1,049.00 on Alcohol & Bars. This exceeds your budget of $20.00 by $1,029.00".
Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.
Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.
I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.
Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.
Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.
Attacking the rich is not envy, it is self defence. The hoarding of wealth is the cause of poverty. The rich aren't just indifferent to poverty: they create it and maintain it. This is America in 2016.
Roses are red. I picked you a daisy. Will you still love me when you realize I'm crazy?
I got drunk last night and decided to do my own taxes. I'm getting back 4 million dollars this year!!!
Guys: I'm not a tomboy, but I'm not a girly girl either. Like I want to get my nails done but also I wanna get muddy and set stuff on fire. Wanna date me?
How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.
Valentines Day: You give me the kind of feeling people write sappy novels about.
Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.
I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous. 