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Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD. 
Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.
My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.
If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.
A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.
Burger King is the only fast food I trust... because it costs $10.47 for a chicken sandwich and takes 40minutes to prepare...
What if Gordon Ramsay voiced a GPS? "Great job, you missed the bloody exit you f*cking disgrace."
If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
Early morning sex has been proven to be more effective than coffee.
I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.
You're so vain, you probably think this ritualistic cursed voodoo doll, I made in your likeness, is about you.
Do you think Chewbacca has human genitals or one of those red rocket things that dogs get? George Lucas won't respond to my email.
Brace yourself, the warm weather is bringing out white girls that tan too much and think they look good, but they really look like Oompa Loompas.
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
Did anyone ever have a nightmare where your smart phone gets destroyed... and then you wake up? Best feeling ever.
I like my coffee to be a reflection of myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.
Everytime this post is liked, the writer of this post gets kicked in the genitals.
Back in the day, there wasn't so many warning labels on things. People weren't so freaking stupid.
If I hit snooze three times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I'll be out sick.
The human brain is freaking amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive. 