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I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole! 
"Sorry, your password must contain a capital letter, two numbers, a symbol, an inspiring message, a spell, a gang sign, a hieroglyph and the blood of a virgin."
I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner, than a lying hypocrite.
Everytime I hear Bohemian Rhapsody, head banging is a required element.
The police want to interview me. Strange....I didn't even apply for a job there.
I'm so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me out of the club.
Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.
14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.
I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."
Science: Ruining everything since 1543.
City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....
How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.
Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.
That was the best news conference that Obama has ever held, about all the police officers shot recently. Said no one ever...
What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"
Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time
My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...
You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth. 