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[At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir." 
"Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."
You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.
Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you
If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?
borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!
I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."
I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...
The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.
Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....
The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .
No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."
I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.
Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.
My Hobbies: 1) Switching between the same three apps for hours. 2) Not speaking to anyone for days at a time. 3) Listening to the same songs I always have listened to for the last 20 years. 4) Imagining myself in situations that will literally never exist
Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks. 