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Don't forget this one thing folks, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night. 
There's always a guy in all coffee shops sitting at a table, not on his iPhone, not on a laptop, not even on an iPad, he's just drinking coffee, like a psychopathic murderer. Don't forget to say "Hi" y'all!!!
Cinnamon flavored whiskey...is that what the junior high girls are drinking these days?
Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.
I'm so old...I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor!
"PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.
So don't come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don't come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
It started out innocent enough. - Whiskey
I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.
Perhaps it's about time to ask Bernie Sanders what American life was really like back in 1776.
College goes 0-100 real quick. You'll go from chilling for four weeks to having 3 tests, 5 quizzes, 4 speeches, and 7 papers due in 2 days.
When you save a beautiful sexy woman from a house fire and she says "Sorry I have a boyfriend."
Life is like soccer because my Mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I absolutely hate f*cking soccer.
Older people who have sex on a regular basis may have a better chance at avoiding dementia. But there's no such luck for anyone who happens to walk in on them.
Kim Kardashian twieeted a nude selfie yesterday. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we've never seen, she's gonna have to swallow the camera.
Me: Should I buy it? Brain: No!! Wallet: No!! Parents: No!! Cat: Meow NO!! Universe: NO!! Me: Sold.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
"The righteous are those who feed the poor, the orphan and the captive for the love of God, saying: 'We feed you for the sake of God Alone; we seek from you neither reward nor thanks.'" 