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Fun Fact: Prostitution exists among some animals too. They prostitute themselves for things like stones or food. 
After 12 years of public education, I still don't know how mortgages and taxes work but hey at least I know about the cells inside a f*cking leaf. Thanks America for an excellent education.
If you line up all your ex's in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.
Why Women Cry: 1) Sadness. 2) Happiness. 3) ??????.
How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.
I like my women, how I like my laptop, on my lap, turned on & virus free.
I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.
If Republican candidates would stop calling them "Rallies" and start calling them "Job Fairs" they wouldn't have the problems like the liberals in Chicago started.... Just saying!
I think I got a textually transmitted disease from unprotected Facebook poking!
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it!!
Spider-Man : Can I be in the Avengers now? ... Captain America : Ummmm, sure... Spider-Man : What can I do?... Iron Man : You OK with Web-design?...
Jiggling fat is a little more fun when you imagine a dubstep noise coming out of it.
I like to refer to it as a "Magic Carpet Ride" when I sit on HIS bearded face and HE works that tongue like Harry Potter wielding a wand.
Keith Emerson is dead from an apparent suicide. I guess he wasn't such a Lucky Man after all.
Can't wait for Game of Thrones. During this election it'll be refreshing to watch people competing for a crown in a more civilized way.
Has Fox News blamed Obama for Nancy Reagan's death yet?
Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon
Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.
I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?
Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy? 