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If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly. 
Someone should start a summer camp for parents where you go to a lake without your kids and just sleep for a week.
.... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!
I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......
Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.
Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.
I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
I wish anger burned more calories.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.
Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!
My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...
Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.
American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.
To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.
If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true. 