Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If a girl will play video games with you while she is naked, you should marry her.

   The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.

   Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   Winter: It's like the crazy murderer in a horror movie. Just when you think it's dead, it strikes one last time.

   One of the best feelings in the world is waking up to your room feeling like it's Alaska and you're under 8 layers of blanket.

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   I'm beginning to realize that some people must actually enjoy being miserable.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people! Respect it!

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.