Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If I ever become president, everyone will recieve a pet unicorn and a midget sidekick.

   A sunset is just a beautiful way of reminding you of all the stuff you didn't get done today.

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   I don't give a crap, but If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to.

   Post this as your status update if you hate status updates that tell you to repost something.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   I'm not cranky, I just have a violent reaction to stupid people.

   I don't believe in neither the Democratic party nor the Republican party. I just believe in parties.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow, I am just going to shut down...

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   If weed was ever legalized, I can't wait to see the commercials...

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I want to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.