SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   People who say they don't know how to lie are lying.

   Scientists are coming closer to unlocking the secret to why the average American owns 40 pairs of jeans but only wears 3 or 4 of them.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.

   It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you go to YouTube and see how many people videotape their TV.

   Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.