StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   Saw my ex girlfriend working at Subway today. She had to make me a sandwich! :-)

   All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.

   I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!

   We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.

   If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to f*ck with people... Like you ate a pinecone every single day

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   No matter how much I try and buy supermarket conveyor belt dividers, the cashier keeps on putting them back!

   Job applications are stupid. "Why do you want to work for us?" Oh, I've always had a passion for frozen yogurt.....b*tch I'm broke!!

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my statuses but never liking any of them

   I'm tired of the government reading all of my stats but never liking any of them </3

   My woman could never work at a fast food place. They make milkshakes there, and milkshakes bring the boys to the yard.

   I hate when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through!

   "What do we want?" "Hearing aids." "When do we want them?" "Hearing aids."

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   11 year old kids making Facebook accounts. What the hell are you gonna post about? 'Just got the new 64 Crayola pack......with the sharpener!'

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.

   I got a call today from a distorted voice saying "Five grand in cash, or we kill your wife" Both options were tempting, but I decided to take the money.