KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it's not beauty.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   Remember when I loved you unconditionally? Well the terms of that arrangement have changed.

   There's pizza in this conference room and we're still talking instead of eating. THIS IS HOW SERIAL KILLERS ARE BORN.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   You win some, you booze some!

   You can be an educated, intelligent, productive person and still smoke and enjoy pot.

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   If chickens knew how tasteless they are without herbs and spices, they'd kill themselves.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   One man's potato is another man's vodka.

   I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

   My girlfriend doesn't have any superpowers, per se, but she is pretty good at making me forget my name using only her tongue.