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There was this woman who always juxtaposed the letters in LMAO whenever I told a joke. She'd put LAMO. I tired to correct her. She said, "No, your jokes are lame." 
Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando in your life.
250,000 Union Soldiers died to end slavery in the United States ..... They were the first and genuine Black Lives Matter movement.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
FYI ... In 08 President Obama's "Just Words" speech was slammed for using the exact phrase from Mass. Gov Deval Patrick. Vice President Biden responded to the allegations by saying "Everybody does it!"
Claiming a product promotes "Weight Loss" when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming that it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
I live in a Madhouse run by a tiny army that I made myself.
I jist wants ma monies froms da guberments and not gets shot at whiles I be doin bidness
I just met Melania two speech writers... Mr. Copy and Mrs.Paste.
In Melania's defence, in her country it is considered a compliment to plagiarize a speech from the previous First Lady.
Pikachu? Come to my backyard and get a Glockatchu!
Hey africans, we know yous dont have legal vehicles or jobs to go to but please refrain from dancing in the road and blocking traffic
Planet Earth or as other worlds like to call it, The Planet of Idiots.
On a deteriorative scale, my liver is somewhere between Ozzy Osbourne and Charlie Sheen.
Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?
I'd give five bucks to hear Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel"...
Life is good .... the alternative is not.
Speakers tomorrow night at the GOP Convention include Erin Moran, Burt Ward from "Batman" and the dude that played Urkel. #starpower
Why can't we drop all the hyphens and just be Americans?
I miss the days when the scariest thing on TV was "The Twilight Zone" and not "The Nightly News." 