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Getting hyped for the weekend is soooo mainstream. 
I have nothing in common with people who wash, dry, fold and put their laundry away the same day.
Always buy those nonprofit charity run tshirts from Goodwill so people will think I care about stuff.
Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.
I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.
How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!
If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.
Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.
Might not be a master of romance. But I do know ladies enjoy it when I sing Obsession by Animotion while I'm hiding in their closet.
Autocorrect changing "restaurant" to "restraint" can really ruin the asking a girl on a date experience.
Just cause your sister or brother says you're a poopie head doesn't mean you're a poopie head.
You've officially reached middle age when purchasing new cleaning products gives you goosebumps.
Sweaty in the streets and still sweaty in the sheets.
If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher
why do people say" I know you like the back of my hand"? who really knows anything about the back of their hand?
A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.
Single men never get fat because they eat half of their cooking...... The other half is usually stick to the pan.
Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !
I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.
Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas.. 