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.... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be. 
Religion will never reform or save mankind because Religion is a form of slavery.
Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'
Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.
After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."
Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.
Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.
If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."
I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.
My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.
If I ever opened a crystal meth kiosk at a mall, it would be called “You Do the Meth!”
If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.
How often do I use this exfoliating bath sponge if I want to lose 40 pounds?
True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.
Not saying I'm lazy but my computer was running slow today so I closed all the open tabs and found one that was still logged into an AOL chat room.
Bearded Dragons are just hipster reptiles.
Man of Steel 2 is in development. So he didn't die? How about a SPOILER ALERT!!!
Just saw a dolphin that had a tattoo of a white girl on its rear fin.
"We don't like any of this! Wait, we LOVE this thing here!" -The Internet
.... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances? 