Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   After sending a risky text, a minute feels like an eternity.

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   When someone says “let's go get a cold one,” I always drive to the zoo because I know that's code for “steal a penguin.”

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   Nice guys let her finish first, twice.