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Jesus' Greatest Miracles: 1) Turning water to wine... 2) Raising Lazarus... 3) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs 
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, my injuries were only super-fish-oil.
Out of everything Johnny Depp has been accused of, his wearing a crop top jersey in Nightmare on Elm Street has got to be the worst.
Forgive me for saying this but if you like the Rolling Stones more than the Beatles we can't be friends.
I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.
At least once a day I pause to remember the fish from the Faith no More video.
Just put a stick figure family on my car so I’d have one place where I look skinny.
Watching an Olympian biting his gold medal he just won while I bite the wine cork I just pulled out with my teeth.
Mexico isn't doing too well in the Olympics. Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already gone to the United States.
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?
Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.
The man in the toilet stall next to me sounds like he’s pushing a car up a hill and not making any headway.
The government is behind the whole "60 is the new 40" thing so they can raise the retirement age to 92.
I can’t wait until they come out with Oreo flavored Oreos.
Sausage Party is expected to break the box office record for R-rated animated movies, which currently stands at $800.
Hope Solo is my least favorite Star Wars character besides Jar Jar Binks.
Reminder: You have 50 Facebook events you never said you're interested in today.
3 Important Events In A Man's Life: 1) Losing his virginity. 2) Getting married. 3) First time he wears a t-shirt in a whirlpool.
Updated Nursery Rhyme: Mary had a Chevy truck, it was so very slow, and everywhere that Mary went, her truck would need a tow. 