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I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday. 
I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.
*Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar
[God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..
Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so
"Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.
The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.
Now that the Olympics are over, I can get back to comparing myself to the athletes on The World Series Of Poker.
Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.
If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.
My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.
Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.
Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,
I find it interesting that over the past few hears Hackers have broken the biggest stories ..... And our Journalists who's job it is to report the news has tried frantically to cover them up ....
Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.
Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.
If you ever see a woman with her arm stuck in a Pringles can in Walmart, I'd appreciate it if you don't make eye contact with me, thanks.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?
If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR? 