Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious shit and having incomprehensible conversations.

   Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.

   I've been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   NOTICE: Helen Waite is now in charge of my complaint department. SO if you have any complaints - please go to Helen Waite.

   Had a dream last night. I knew it was a dream immediately because the therapist agreed with me, the ex apologized, and I was wearing pants.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   "The truth is..." = "Here's a lie I've had some time to work on."

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   If the eyes are the window to our soul... I better pluck mine out.

   Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?

   My alarm jolted me awake this morning. I hit the snooze button. When it startled me again ten minutes later I threw it across the room and fell right back to sleep. Ten minutes later my girlfriend's cat jumped up onto my chest meowing... Sorry kitty.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   Remember, Make-up can fix blemishes, but it can't fix you being a b!tch.

   Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! We have some crunchy popcorn, noisey cups of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a f*cking parrot! Now silence your cell phones.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   Dear politicians, you're dumb enough as is, so I'd highly recommend you stay away from social media.

   Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of major financial crisis?

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   I just got back from my high school reunion. OK... actually, I logged into Facebook... but same thing.