Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I think that there are two kinds of people in the world: people who put raisins in cookies & people I like.

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!"

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   I don't think Cough drops have an expiration date but at some point you have to start eating them with the wrapper still on.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.

   If a guy doesn't turn on the TV first when he sits down next to his woman on the couch, that's a BJ request.

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   Being attractive means not having to worry about sexual harrassment suits.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it hurts.

   I love seeing the Australian news cause it's like they're from the future.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.