Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   They say being successful and living well is the best revenge... But rubbing your naked ass all over someone's cell phone when they aren't looking is pretty good too.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a guy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two.

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   No darling 56 guys didnt like your profile pic because you are "pretty." They liked it cause your BOOBS are hanging out.

   I didn't say you were stupid! I said “It's too bad you can't get by on your looks.”

   I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.

   If the 6-year-old me knew that I bought a house instead of a helicopter he'd kick my ass.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.