lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   What do you give to a man who has everything? A burglar alarm.

   a friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing "someone's gonna get it!"

   I'm a lesbian and i'm ok. A butch all night and a femme all day.

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

   ..instead of politicians saying "My heart goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan..." how about saying "A plane goes out to the brave soldiers fighting in Afghanistan to get them the f*ck out of there!"?

   I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.

   There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

   Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.Paddy says "that was great, I wonder how the girls got on?"

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

   Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you..