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My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool. 
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."
Listen, I could have gone my whole life without hearing the term "fecal transplant" and I wouldn't have regretted it.
"Better out than in," I merrily say as I force my guests out the front door at 9 PM.
My son always has a stuffed banana with him and I'm worried this is how hacky comics get their start. Should I introduce him to drugs now?
What sounds better, "working through things" or "soul as black as the depths of the ocean"? I really need to get my Craigslist ad right.
I'm pretty sure the devil and the angel on my shoulders are secretly f**king.
'What's your wifi password?' is a visiting child's new 'can I have a cookie?'
I went into the bathroom without my phone and now I know all the ingredients of cleaning solutions.
If I ever become a ghost I'd wear something with pizazz, like a snazzy bow tie or something.
Still trying to figure out what base "furniture shopping" is.
Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.
At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.
Hmmmmmm ..... One says nasty words ........ The other does Nasty things. I wonder which one would hurt you most.
hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that
I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.
My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.
Hey, If American women are outraged at a presidential candidate's use of Naughty words .... Who the heck bought those ... 80 MILLION COPIES OF 50 SHADES OF GREY????
We've spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off. 