Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you're lucky enough to still have a dad the best Father's Day gift would be to call the guy and ask his advice about something. Anything.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   Someone broke into my house the other day while I was at work. I think they got kind of plssed when they didn't find anything worth stealing because they left my place an awful mess.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   I've accepted the fact that I'll never be as funny as those novelty shirts from Spencer's.

   Happy Father's Day Dad! Whoever you are...

   I was chillin' with my buddy and his wife walked in and said, "Happy Father's Day! You're so much more than the guy who used to buy dollar store condoms."

   Facebook really needs a "pee on someone's wall" option.

   10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin'

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   Never hit a woman. No matter how bad the sandwich is.

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass on prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I'll be starting group meetings at my house for people with OCD. Not because I have it, but because I know someone will get the urge to clean up my damm house! OCD'ers...Cheaper than maid service!

   The longer I sit in a drive-thru, the more pennies I'm gonna pay with.

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   There are 3 meanings behind 'Liking' someones status. 1) I agree. 2) I realize this is about me so I'm liking it to rub in your face. 3) I want to bang you. :)

   I can say whatever the hell I want as my Facebook Status, and nobody will be offended as long as I smile at the end. Example: I hate everybody today. :)

   I'm not an alcoholic! I just walk around with a mouthful of whiskey, so if someone says something stupid I can spit and light their face on fire.

   I hate when my boss says I have to act more professional and learn how to wear pants up to my belly button, and plssing the plants is not watering them. YADA YADA YADA