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Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme. 
I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I used to roll out of bed asleep a lot until I found Viagra
If you are a true Democrat, you must first ignore ALL of Hillary Clinton's lies, Corruption and Scandals ... THEN ... Go vote for her because of your perception of .... What the "Good" of the country is.
Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
[Juice Bar]...... (Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass.... (Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back "sir"..... *hyenas laugh*
Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.
The mainstream media: Covers up vast conspiracies?... Rigs national elections?... Has mind control powers?... Can't convince people to pay $29.99 for cable
Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....
The somke detector is not a timer...
Found out my father is voting for Hillary, which is strange since he died in 2004
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
For the past month I have woken up to find hundreds of flowers with no heads all over my doorstep, garden and drive. I think I’m being stalked
The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.
Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’
I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.
Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.
My grandfather is voting for Hillary.I'd try to talk him out of it but he's been dead for a long time now....
So let me get this straight, the same people who are responsible for 9/11 are also responsible for 20% of Killary's campaign contributions. Anyone see an issue with this?
If Hillary becomes president she will be the first F President. Oh, sorry. I was going to say female, but the "emale" got deleted. 