Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   Just reminding everyone that it's Monday, just in case any of you were feeling overly optimistic.

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   Yield signs should just be a picture of a dude shrugging his shoulders.

   Car dealerships: it doesn't matter how many balloons you put on the cars, I'm not going to randomly decide to pull in and buy one.