Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   I wish computer commands worked in real life. You make a mistake with your girlfriend = Ctrl+z. Your girlfriend dumps you = Ctrl+Alt+Delete. Your girlfriend starts seeing your best friend = sledge hammer to screen.

   If I seem to give a damn, please tell me. I would hate to be giving the wrong impression!!!

   I googled 'understading women'... LMAO was the result.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   I just finished watching that movie where Julia Roberts has a lot of teeth.

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a Facebook account and a bottle of booze.

   I may not be able to walk straight, but I can drunk dial... Like a boss.

   The people I went to high school with got really old looking.

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   When I see an argument on Facebook, I sit there refreshing the page while thinking to myself, "This is gonna be good!"

   I can't stop drinking about you.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   I want that job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are having the wrong kind of sex.

   If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.

   If their called smart phones, why is it that only idiots use them?

   I used to follow my dreams, but then they got a restraining order.