Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   For men who think.."A woman's place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that's where the knives are kept.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   And I was like "No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."

   A rice cake is a good way to tell your taste buds to go to hell.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   When your wife is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?”... don't answer.

   Nothing says "screw work, and screw personal hygiene" quite like last night's bar stamp on my hand.

   Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.

   whenever someone annoying starts talking to me, I immediately start looking for an "X" I can click on them to make them go away.

   Gotta keep things interesting. I can turn doing laundry into a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   Well, just did my daily "walk of fame" where I go outside with my coffee and lie to squirrels about how I got laid last night.

   I caught my girlfriend sliding down the hand rails of our stairs over and over... I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm heating up your dinner!!!"

   Sex, Drugs, Rock 'n' Roll. Speed, Weed, birth control. Peace, Pot, Tequila shot. Jesus loves us stoned or not.