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Nothing says "HI I'M GUILTY BUT I HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY MY WAY OUT" like settling your rape case for $850,000 
I like this mannequin challenge. It gets idiots to shut the hell up for a minute.
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.
BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade
I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.
My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..
If Batman and Catwoman had a baby, would it be Batcat, or Manwoman?
My morning pooh would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of on my way to work
One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..
Each mile you run adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 80 you can spend an extra 6 months in a nursing home at $10,000 per month.
I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping
If ignorance is bliss then there's a crap load of people in paradise....
New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.
I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?
My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.
Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh
If at first you don't succeed, parachuting isn't for you
Will Seth Meyers continue to be on television now that the Clinton 2016 team is dissolving?
Due to political correctness, "rapists" will now be called "unapproved lovers."
How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ?? 