Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! --->"

   Picnics are dumb because five minutes after you eat your sandwich you're just a jackass in the park sitting on a blanket.

   This SunnyD tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest.

   Happy 4th of July!!! Enjoy: BBQing, setting off fireworks, and if you live in the country, shooting at random sh!t.

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Other than changing your email to something other than jizzbucket4u@gmail.com, I'd say your resume looks pretty good.

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   If you've never held your baby in the air while your wife tries to squirt breastmilk in its mouth from across the room then you're a failure as a parent..

   The word “but” is a great way to let people know that the first part of your sentence was all a lie.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   Yeah, you're right dude. I totally can't tell you're fat anymore when you wear a t-shirt in the pool..

   I bet if you go to a restaurant with the Man VS Food guy he'll call you a p*ssy no matter what you order.

   Happy Birthday forever to everyone on Facebook!! Whew, glad I got that out of the way.