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If you got a big screen TV for Christmas be sure to put the empty box with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed and not yours. 
It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
Carrie Fisher had information to get Hillary arrested. But just in case Hillary's people got to her, she passed along the info to her mom.
2016 goes from bad to worse: Nickelback is still a band
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.
My favorite yoga pose? Downward facing nap.
ETC.....End of Thinking Capacity.
With all the deaths in 2016, there is one worth celebrating. Obama's failed legacy.
I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
One of my biggest fears is I'll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays
Never criticise your husband's faults. It may have been those little imperfections which stopped him from getting a better wife.
This milk tastes like gorgonzola cheese. The sell by date is 12/29. Never mind. 12/29/15.
Carrie Fisher will forever stake claim on the title of Best Buns.
I'm going to an all white New Year's Eve party and I have nothing to wear
Can someone tell me when Santa is coming? He forgot some of the stuff I asked for
my beer never tells me it has a girlfriend.
Men in white windowless van's have the worst candy. 