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If your afraid to leave your teenage daughter home with your boyfriend then you may want to rethink ur relationship.. 
NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'
NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
"Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.
Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras?
pretty sure my girlfriend got her superpowers from being bit by a radioactive female dog.
Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..
Why does this day just keep repeating itself?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I reenacted the romantic scene from "Lady and the Tramp", but it wasn't what I expected; my dog ate all the spaghetti.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets
I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash ! 