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In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law 
My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)
Why is it we always have money for wars, but we can't feed the poor?
The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."
Why I hate House Hunters. Amy is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Abe manages a Taco Bell. Abe: Our budget is $4 million
if H( . ) ( . )ters were to become a door to door service... I hope they have to change their name to Kn( . ) ( . )ckers...
Put your index fingers together and keep your eyes on your left finger while slowly moving your hands apart. While still looking at your left finger, touch your nose with your right finger. Now stop doing that.
My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television
They only way I'd watch 50 Shades Darker is if the guy tied up our garbage bags and dominated the yard work.
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...
Preschoolers talk a lot of trash when playing Chutes and Ladders for little people who needs help counting spaces.
My 90 y/o Grandpa is living proof how lazy immigrants are. He hasn't worked in 20 years!
Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...
That whole day without immigrants was just as bad as Y2K
Wanna meet me at Taco Bell? The Day Without Illegal Migrants means we'll get plenty of sauce packets and napkins.
I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....
The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso
User "Anonymous" you are the most annoying person on earth. If there is anything wrong or negative to say to anything you are the man! Get a life or at least a job… 