Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that's my Dad for ya.

   I went to a family style restaurant today and felt right at home. They yelled at me the entire time I was there.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   I don't believe I had the pleasure of meeting you, I mean I got your friend request, and accepted, greeted you, never heard from you! On the other hand, I do believe I'll have the pleasure of deleting you, that is certain.

   Either I'm really drunk or you're really hot. The choice is yours.

   When I sense that some one is talking down to me I like to see just how dumb I can act.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Life is dangerous: You could slip in the shower, get hit by a bus, mauled by a bear or drown in breasts (it happens, look it up).

   I can see movies at any time, I'd rather have BOOZE on demand...

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   I'm not sure what lesbians like better about sex with a woman instead of a man, but I wish they would describe it to me in great detail.

   You ever had such unbelievable sex, that it made you forget your own name... at least the fake one you gave her at the bar?

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.