KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, no one wants to motorboat your rib cage. Eat a sandwich.

   I'm just being myself. Who the hell are you being?

   I bet there is nothing a hug from a panda can't fix.

   A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.

   If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   That moment when you're going to stalk someone and you end up stalking 5 more people because you need to understand the whole conversation.

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   Women are not complicated at all, except when they expect us to read between the lines.

   Marriages are made in heaven by angels who themselves are happy bachelors.

   A quick and easy way to take care of a problem is to light it on fire.

   I want my 15 mins of fame to happen in the bedroom.

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   I'm the type of person that gets distracted by the race between the grey & red bars on Youtube, and forgets about the video.

   Quitting whilst you're ahead is all very well until it comes to sex.

   Life is better after having sex. Or when you know you're about to have sex. Or when you know someone is dying to have sex with you.

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!