Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It took me 2 seconds, Yoda.

   I have a pervert for a Dentist.....I mentioned to him that "I'd rather get pregnant than have a tooth filled !" My Dentist replied, "Decide now so I can adjust the chair accordingly

   Ooh Yoda! And did it really take you all day to come up with that insult?

   The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe.

   With 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner, how does the shampoo know to go first?

   Yoda: You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   Coors Light is like making love in a canoe. It's f--k-ng close to water.

   You're going to need more than just a glass of water to wash away all your ignorance. In fact, you're going to need a whole ocean to wash away the crap you're so full of.

   It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

   Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.

   The least the anonymous GaryKoenig can do is serve everyone a glass of water with his dry jokes.

   Basketball is like the weather. With either, things can change within a few minutes.

   Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.

   The Who just announced their ultimate final 'The Song is Over' tour. Right,....WE WON'T BE FOOLED AGAIN !

   I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

   You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, please remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

   Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.