sarah Funny Status Messages

   I wore matching bra n panties for this?

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   I'm a keeper...of bees.

   You call it cleavage; I call it a stray popcorn reservoir.

   Do these yoga pants make your d*ck look hard??

   Apparently, sitting down all day makes your bum grow bigger. All I have to do is figure out how I'll start sitting using my chest.

   Just a few more weeks without sex and I win another cat.

   My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.

   I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff. I also hate punctuation.

   If you can't handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart then you don't deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

   911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   Let's have phone sex and you can hang up on me before I'm done to keep it realistic

   The amount of times I've tried to stick my key in other people's locks just to see if it fits is probably the reason I wasn't given a d*ck

   Boy are you my bank statements because you're hilarious

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Fellas; For every minute you spend 'down there,' I'll donate a dollar to Michael Douglas' Throat Cancer Research Fund.

   Got roses from a vegan. Not sure if they are supposed to be a snack or a decoration. Anyway, they're pretty. Maybe I'll eat just one.

   If my cat could talk I have a feeling it would tell me "stop talking to me crazy woman and go get laid"

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to not be a douchebag.