indy dave Funny Status Messages

   If I win the Powerball, I'm gonna buy Bruce Jenner and turn him back into a man. Just for fun.

   Taken 27 coming to theaters in January 2029.

   Pro life tip:I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to not break the law.If I do break the law, then I comply with their authority.If I do not agree with their authority I surrender and allow due process with an attorney.

   Well as tomorrow approaches, November 1st. I can start growing my taint hair for "No Shave November." Will you notice?

   Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now.

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...

   I just had to cancel my Christian Mingle account... they found out I was on JDate.

   Fort Hood suffers tradegy again. Perhaps they should change it to Fort Suburbs.

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????