RandomGirlie Funny Status Messages

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   if "Fe" on the periodic table of the elements is iron, does that make females iron males?

   Ever look at someone and think, "Nice cage, no bird"?

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   wondering why the chick who flipped me off in the parking lot this morning couldn't find a better use for that finger. She could have been so much happier!

   Rental advertising terminology: Cute=OMG, my closet is bigger than this. Charming=houses still had dirt floors when this was built. Close to transportation=right next to the railroad tracks. One month FREE=your neighbors are crackheads.

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?

   told the boss today that there was no W-F-A-Y I could do the job the way he wanted me to. He said, "But there's no 'F-in-way!!" I said, "Exactly!"

   Dear birds: Our patio is NOT your personal poop depository! Please use the cars with Obama bumper stickers instead. Thank you. -Management-

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.

   there will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   saw the best T-shirt EVER today: "Who the hell needs Hooters when you've got BALLS?" Win.

   Someone came up to me and said get a life...I punched them in the face and said get a helmet.

   has served enough burnt offerings at dinner that my husband is beginning to think he's a god.

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   life is all about ass. Your'e either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one!