Downey Funny Status Messages

   I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   wanna come back to my place & watch some p0rn on my 60" flat screen mirror?

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   If David Hasselhoff doesn't describe his workouts as "sweating his asseloff," well then screw him!

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   Nothing says "I have no life," quite like people who listen to Nascar on the radio.

   next time you go through the drive-thru at McD, order a burger and say "can you please hold the pickle" in a sexy voice... trust me, it's worth it!

   my phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass? I guess this think really is a smartphone

   I went to the store and got me some Oreo's. As I was walking back to my car I saw a friend who told me that it was his birthday today...so for the 1st time ever, without being sarcastic, I was able to say "What...Do you want a cookie or something?"

   Got a flannel shirt for the 9th Fathers Day in a row... Thanks honey, cant wait to see what you get me next year!