Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   It's so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous. Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn't right all the time.

   If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.