Mark Funny Status Messages

   played golf today...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

   doesn't have a microwave oven but he does have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff

   really hates having Tinnitus. I always think someone is talking about me.

   ever sat in the parking lot at walmart and honk at random people and watch their reaction? hahaha

   I wonder what a camel thinks of when he looks at his toe...

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.

   My wife isn't speaking to me. All because I didn't open the car door for her. I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

   Dear attractive teenage grocery checkout girl, please don't judge me for buying 3 cucumbers, 1 light bulb, a jar of jelly and 2 tubes of KY.

   Breaking News: U.S. Terror Alert Level is now raised to “Confetti”

   Rapture "I'm going out the way I came in, without pants.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them. It's a thankless job....

   I thought I'd join the neighbor hood watch but my neighbors aren't that attractive..

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   Tim Tebow is the most talked about white Bronco since the O.J. chase.