MBH Funny Status Messages

   This gallon of ice cream is a new flavor called, "Get Your Own."

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.

   I think this person in the bank drive thru in front of me is refinancing their mortgage.

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   If all of the whitening brightening toothpaste I used delivered, my teeth would now be fluorescent.

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.