Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.

   Are you single single or internet single?

   When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   This morning I had to stare death directly in the eyes! Well, it was my ex, but she looks dead and it was still scary.

   I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.

   Yeeeehaaaaaw! I just won the Rolling Office Chair Derby!!! Crossed the finish line backwards while giving my opponents the double bird.

   Yeah, I felt bad rejecting her friend request on Facebook, but come on! Isn't it enough that I'm in a relationship with her? Now I got to be her friend too?

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   This girl last night claimed that she'd rather perform oral sex on a diseased monkey than go out with me. Well, she's in luck, 'cause I've got a friend who works at the zoo, and he owes me one...

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   Don't get me wrong, I respect the Amish. What I really wonder is what invention a long time ago caused an entire group of people to go "No! No more technology for us."

   For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   Hey Vi@gra, you have a real competition for curing the erectile dysfunction... it's called divorce.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   Guys who wear skinny jeans: Why do you keep hitting on girls? You've already gotten into their pants.