Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......