SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

   I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

   The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

   My son is dyslexic and terrified about getting paid a visit from Satan in a few days

   Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

   My sons love dressing up as Wardens and playing prison, their Grandma was shocked when she found out I had built them a miniature electric chair for Christmas....

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   It's so rude when people talk at the movies while you're on the phone!

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   Just got Cowboys vs Aliens from Netfl*x in the mail, you should have seen the disappointment on my face when I found out it wasn't about Illegal immigration in AZ

   Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say.

   I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.......

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   I don't understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z didn't name their baby 'BeJay'.

   I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes.

   4000 women in Scotland may have breast implants with silicone intended for mattresses. Imagine. Boobs with memory foam and sleep numbers.

   Congrats to Jay Cutler, soon to be Dad... Just goes to show that he cant get protection on or off the field.

   I find it difficult to believe Newt Gingrich could be an effective president. He couldn't even manage to catch those dag old Duke boys.

   Can't believe it's the Chinese New Year. I'm still writing Rabbit on all of my checks.

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.