Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for.

   I don't just think of them as my children, but also, God forbid, as a human shield.

   V@gina is such an ugly word for ovary cave

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.

   I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well, just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing... but yup, its time to Shenanagin again.

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   So what if you have a boyfriend! You don't see me going up to people in wheelchairs reminding them that they can't walk!

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   Great, I was already depressed and and alone, and now. just before bed my toothpaste had to fall off of my toothbrush.... still single

   I believe it was a German who said "an empty anus makes the most sound..."

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.

   Appropriately, Gaddaffi was killed by a rebel fighter standing in the sunroof of a VW van.