Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   We're F*cked. The president in 2050 is going to have Tribal sleeves and use the word "bro" in all his presidential speeches.

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   Always pick the girl smoking ultra-light cigarettes... it means she's used to sucking a little harder to get what she wants.

   I've said this before but, It's funny how you think you know someone so well, then you bang his wife and then his true colors start to show.

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.